Hello all. I am sorry for not posting for a couple weeks (assuming people are actually reading this, which I hope you are!). My life has gotten very busy and over the last three days, VERY DIFFERENT.
I have moved in the dorm at NU. Room 5218 in Guy Hall. I have unpacked all my things. Dined in the cafeteria, and gone through some fun but tiring orientation sessions, and the week still isn't over.
I love it here. The atmosphere and the faculty and staff are amazing. I know that I will able to grow in God SO much here, and I can't wait to delve into this new season of my Chrisitan walk. I know spiritually this is the best place I can be for me, at this moment.
I have been coping with the changes, I think, pretty well. I did have a slight melt down last night. And without giving too much of the "dramatic" details, I think it will just take some time to be able to find my place. I know I am supposed to be here spiritually, but socially I know it's going to take some time.
The girls on my floor are great! So many new faces and names, I love meeting people are hearing their life stories.
I think that's the great thing about having a roommate you don't know. You get to meet and find ou that a person who you might-have-never-even-met's dislikes, likes, passions, and their purpose. It's an awesome experience (although I knew my roommate beforehand...).
One thing I know this whole experience is going to teach me is to fully rely on God and what He has in store for me. That even in the times when I feel a meltdown coming on or feel lonely or rejected or without friends, that I can always count on Him to be around. I always have Him when I need a hand to pick me back up. It's a comforin feeling and I hold onto that with everything I have.
Readers, this is a new start for me. A start I know will end up being a great turning point in my life, even if in the meantime I feel unsure or insecure. God's plans for me are WAY greater than the circumstances of this world. I can get through this.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
a rejected soul named contenment
Sufficiancy means... what?
Contentment.
Utter and complete contentment.
A place that feels right.
A place that feels safe.
Not a physical place, oh no.
It dwells inside our being,
Beneath the clothes and skin and nerves
And pain.
It screams and cries out to be noticed.
It yells and kicks and pulls it's hair out in anguish,
Waiting to be noticed.
It wants to be recognized.
It knows it will bring happiness and rest.
It know it will bring joy and resolution.
It paces back and forth, waiting and hoping.
It waits for you.
It waits for me.
Contentment.
Utter and complete contentment.
A place that feels right.
A place that feels safe.
Not a physical place, oh no.
It dwells inside our being,
Beneath the clothes and skin and nerves
And pain.
It screams and cries out to be noticed.
It yells and kicks and pulls it's hair out in anguish,
Waiting to be noticed.
It wants to be recognized.
It knows it will bring happiness and rest.
It know it will bring joy and resolution.
It paces back and forth, waiting and hoping.
It waits for you.
It waits for me.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Jesus is my homeboy..
I don't place the title "friend", especially "best friend" easily on anyone.
When you're little you pretty call anyone who gets along with you, your best friend. That girl who shared her ice cream, or the guy who played tag with you...
I cannot place that title as easily as others.
Blame it on past not-so-good-relationships, or maybe my just inability to trust, I just tell it like it is.
The term "friend" to me, means almost the same thing as the term "best friend". I expect all my friends to be there for me, to listen, give advice, and just accept me for who I am. I realize people will let me down, because well, this is life and it happens, but I expect that friend to stick it out, even in the hard times, because our friendship is worth it.
Past relationships have taught me that friends will mess up. It was like up to that point I was living in a bubble, unaware that my bubble, my self confidence, could be popped. It's a hard reality, but I had to face it.
I had to face the fact that people will let me down. And that got me thinking..
If people are constantly letting me down, who can I turn to. Who will never let me down?
One person, and one person only, came to mind:
Jesus.
Of course, it was obvious. But in reality, it took me a long time to figure that one out. Jesus, my friend? I thought He was just that guy I went to church for. He is the one the stories in the bible are about. Could He really be my best friend?
Slowly, I came around to this idea. After being hurt so many times, I wasn't ready to put my heart on the line just yet.
There is a happy ending to this story though. I have finally realized that YES, Jesus can be trusted. He isn't just that guy that I sing songs about in church. He is someone I can count on 24/7, 365. He will never judge me or let me go. He is always there.
So, maybe I don't have too many best friends, or even friends in general. That doesn't seem to matter as much when I have Him by my side. He is the one friend who will always listen. The one friend who will always give me good advice. Loyal? Heck yes. Trustworthy? You bet. Dependable? Oh yeah.
Jesus Christ: my BFF for life.
When you're little you pretty call anyone who gets along with you, your best friend. That girl who shared her ice cream, or the guy who played tag with you...
I cannot place that title as easily as others.
Blame it on past not-so-good-relationships, or maybe my just inability to trust, I just tell it like it is.
The term "friend" to me, means almost the same thing as the term "best friend". I expect all my friends to be there for me, to listen, give advice, and just accept me for who I am. I realize people will let me down, because well, this is life and it happens, but I expect that friend to stick it out, even in the hard times, because our friendship is worth it.
Past relationships have taught me that friends will mess up. It was like up to that point I was living in a bubble, unaware that my bubble, my self confidence, could be popped. It's a hard reality, but I had to face it.
I had to face the fact that people will let me down. And that got me thinking..
If people are constantly letting me down, who can I turn to. Who will never let me down?
One person, and one person only, came to mind:
Jesus.
Of course, it was obvious. But in reality, it took me a long time to figure that one out. Jesus, my friend? I thought He was just that guy I went to church for. He is the one the stories in the bible are about. Could He really be my best friend?
Slowly, I came around to this idea. After being hurt so many times, I wasn't ready to put my heart on the line just yet.
There is a happy ending to this story though. I have finally realized that YES, Jesus can be trusted. He isn't just that guy that I sing songs about in church. He is someone I can count on 24/7, 365. He will never judge me or let me go. He is always there.
So, maybe I don't have too many best friends, or even friends in general. That doesn't seem to matter as much when I have Him by my side. He is the one friend who will always listen. The one friend who will always give me good advice. Loyal? Heck yes. Trustworthy? You bet. Dependable? Oh yeah.
Jesus Christ: my BFF for life.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I am not religious; I'm just a Christian.
I feel like sometimes people will see all religions the same.
One word comes to mind when I think of the word "religion"...
RULES.
I think a problem often found among people is that they think of having faith, that believing in God, that BEING a Christian is a religion. Actually, Christianity is quite the opposite. Compared to other religions (I will explain a little later why I use the word "religion" in some instances and not in others). Think of Islam for example. Islamic people are obligated to attend prayer whenever the bell rings (the amount of times in the day they are summoned escapes me at the moment...) and if they don't they are shunned, and ultimately thrown in jail. In religions such as Mormanism and the Jehovah Witnesses the believers are working into heaven. They are working to gain glory and forgiveness.
Christianity in it's purest is the complete opposite.
Christianity offers freedom. Freedom from sin and freedom from death.
Christianity allows the believers, through the grace of God and the sacrifice He made on the cross, to not have to work for their freedom, because in God's eyes we are already free; He sees us as innocent, as little children. In God's eyes, one sin is not greater than the other. In God's eyes we don't have to earn ANYTHING.
For me, being a Christian is a lifestyle, NOT a chore. It's an honor and something I do not, to any extent, take ligthtly.
Religion to me is unrelenting and harsh. It doesn't care about it's believers and the well being of it's "saints". Alot of people conform themselves to religious activities, and frankly, it saddens me. Faith should not be limiting but uplifting and freeing.
Christianity allows the Christian to have hope that the day will get better. That there is something better than the cirumstances of this world. Something better to live for. Somone who will accept people right where they are at and will never let them go.
I have had to make the decision to make my faith my own, and it is a decision I have never looked back on with regret. Being a Christian has given me a feeling of peace and grace and accomplishment that this world cannot offer. Through Christianity, God has been able to grow in me and give me a sound mind and a heart that is greatful and abounding in joy. Yes, I hit walls and times of trials, but I know that even when I'm in my lowest, God is my Provider and He will never let me go. I am never wanting or lacking. God is everything to me. So whether people may see my choice to live out my faith as constraining or maybe limiting, I see it as the total opposite. My faith in God gets me up in the morning and gives me something to live for. It keeps me going and allows me to live in freedom that nothing else could give me. I do not look back on my decision. I do not regret my choice.
One word comes to mind when I think of the word "religion"...
RULES.
I think a problem often found among people is that they think of having faith, that believing in God, that BEING a Christian is a religion. Actually, Christianity is quite the opposite. Compared to other religions (I will explain a little later why I use the word "religion" in some instances and not in others). Think of Islam for example. Islamic people are obligated to attend prayer whenever the bell rings (the amount of times in the day they are summoned escapes me at the moment...) and if they don't they are shunned, and ultimately thrown in jail. In religions such as Mormanism and the Jehovah Witnesses the believers are working into heaven. They are working to gain glory and forgiveness.
Christianity in it's purest is the complete opposite.
Christianity offers freedom. Freedom from sin and freedom from death.
Christianity allows the believers, through the grace of God and the sacrifice He made on the cross, to not have to work for their freedom, because in God's eyes we are already free; He sees us as innocent, as little children. In God's eyes, one sin is not greater than the other. In God's eyes we don't have to earn ANYTHING.
For me, being a Christian is a lifestyle, NOT a chore. It's an honor and something I do not, to any extent, take ligthtly.
Religion to me is unrelenting and harsh. It doesn't care about it's believers and the well being of it's "saints". Alot of people conform themselves to religious activities, and frankly, it saddens me. Faith should not be limiting but uplifting and freeing.
Christianity allows the Christian to have hope that the day will get better. That there is something better than the cirumstances of this world. Something better to live for. Somone who will accept people right where they are at and will never let them go.
I have had to make the decision to make my faith my own, and it is a decision I have never looked back on with regret. Being a Christian has given me a feeling of peace and grace and accomplishment that this world cannot offer. Through Christianity, God has been able to grow in me and give me a sound mind and a heart that is greatful and abounding in joy. Yes, I hit walls and times of trials, but I know that even when I'm in my lowest, God is my Provider and He will never let me go. I am never wanting or lacking. God is everything to me. So whether people may see my choice to live out my faith as constraining or maybe limiting, I see it as the total opposite. My faith in God gets me up in the morning and gives me something to live for. It keeps me going and allows me to live in freedom that nothing else could give me. I do not look back on my decision. I do not regret my choice.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Part II
CONFIDENCE IN MY DECISION.
I AM CONFIDENT IN MY DECISION.
No more regrets. No more luke warmness. I am all in. I am ALL IN.
I AM CONFIDENT IN MY DECISION.
No more regrets. No more luke warmness. I am all in. I am ALL IN.
At the center of it all...
There are sometimes in this life of mine that I feel like a complete odd ball. The one that doesn't fit in, the one that is on the outside looking in.
These past couple of weeks have been those sometimes.
Growing up I kind of always felt different than other kids. I was the one that that belonged to all the cliques, and didn't pick favorites. I was friends with the highschoolers and the elementry school kids. I hung out with everybody and I did my best to try and make sure everyone felt wanted. Even at the small age of nine and ten I knew I wasn't going to date. I had it set in my mind and all my friends knew.
At that point in my life everyone else was on the same page.
As I have grown up my ideas and ideals really haven't changed. But maybe that's the problem. I haven't changed. Ugh, I don't know.
It's really dissapointing to think you fit in somewhere and then life gets in the way and suddenly you feel out of place. In an alternate universe. On the outside looking in. Different. Alien.
This is a feeling I have dealt with alot over the past six years, and it was one that I had hoped to not feel again. Unfortunately it sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
I sometimes think I let myself fall into this trap of alienation.
Is it possible I set myself up for this feeling? For rejection?
I don't know.
Or maybe I get in these situations and then I turn my back and lie low. Maybe I end up in these situations because I don't face them head on and take it and work my way through it?
Possibly.
These past couple of weeks have been those sometimes.
Growing up I kind of always felt different than other kids. I was the one that that belonged to all the cliques, and didn't pick favorites. I was friends with the highschoolers and the elementry school kids. I hung out with everybody and I did my best to try and make sure everyone felt wanted. Even at the small age of nine and ten I knew I wasn't going to date. I had it set in my mind and all my friends knew.
At that point in my life everyone else was on the same page.
As I have grown up my ideas and ideals really haven't changed. But maybe that's the problem. I haven't changed. Ugh, I don't know.
It's really dissapointing to think you fit in somewhere and then life gets in the way and suddenly you feel out of place. In an alternate universe. On the outside looking in. Different. Alien.
This is a feeling I have dealt with alot over the past six years, and it was one that I had hoped to not feel again. Unfortunately it sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
I sometimes think I let myself fall into this trap of alienation.
Is it possible I set myself up for this feeling? For rejection?
I don't know.
Or maybe I get in these situations and then I turn my back and lie low. Maybe I end up in these situations because I don't face them head on and take it and work my way through it?
Possibly.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
"Soulmates 50% off; hurry on in 'cause they're going faaast!"
Soulmates.
Two words. One thing. Or...actually a person.
Soul
Pronunciation: \ˈsōl\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English soule, from Old English sāwol; akin to Old High German sēula soul
Date: before 12th century
Definition: the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part.
Mate
Pronunciation: \ˈmāt\
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): mat·ed; mat·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French mater, from mat, noun, checkmate, ultimately from Arabic māt (in shāh māt)
Date: 14th century
Definition: a counterpart of one of a pair (only two of the MANY definitions!).
Then, when you put the two words together:
Soulmate
Definition: One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
I think this idea of a soulmate is often overrated, and maybe exaggerated. Not that there aren't soulmates, but I just think people often try and find their soulmate at the wrong time. In this blogger's humble opinion, TIMING is key. Without timing a person can wander aimlessly, trying people on and getting dissappointed, breaking their heart over and over again. It becomes a habit, a lifestyle even. A way of thinking that is accepted and even encouraged. But my question is, why?
I have said it dating explained to me time in and time again. You date to "try on" people so you can figure out what qualities you like and dislike. So you can figure out what you are looking for in a future soulmate.
But I want to propose something....
What if people didn't date?
What if people waited until they were actually ready to get married, ready for the commitment, and then with an open heart and open mind, waited on what God has for them. They waited on God to bring them that special person. Waited for God to reveal His plan for their life and were confident in that. What if?
This blogger has never dated, never been kissed, and doesn't plan to until God brings me the right person. God knows exactly what I want and what I actually need in my perfect soulmate. He knows that I desire to get married and the qualities that are attractive to me. God knows what I need, so in Him I wait and am confident in His timing.
In reality, waiting is hard though. It, like I have said before, requires patience and reliance on God. Which can be hard sometimes. Almost all the time. Waiting develops us into the person God intends us to be. It builds character and tests out perserverance. It tests our morals and our minds. It tests our hearts and our will power.
Two words. One thing. Or...actually a person.
Soul
Pronunciation: \ˈsōl\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English soule, from Old English sāwol; akin to Old High German sēula soul
Date: before 12th century
Definition: the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part.
Mate
Pronunciation: \ˈmāt\
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): mat·ed; mat·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French mater, from mat, noun, checkmate, ultimately from Arabic māt (in shāh māt)
Date: 14th century
Definition: a counterpart of one of a pair (only two of the MANY definitions!).
Then, when you put the two words together:
Soulmate
Definition: One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
I think this idea of a soulmate is often overrated, and maybe exaggerated. Not that there aren't soulmates, but I just think people often try and find their soulmate at the wrong time. In this blogger's humble opinion, TIMING is key. Without timing a person can wander aimlessly, trying people on and getting dissappointed, breaking their heart over and over again. It becomes a habit, a lifestyle even. A way of thinking that is accepted and even encouraged. But my question is, why?
I have said it dating explained to me time in and time again. You date to "try on" people so you can figure out what qualities you like and dislike. So you can figure out what you are looking for in a future soulmate.
But I want to propose something....
What if people didn't date?
What if people waited until they were actually ready to get married, ready for the commitment, and then with an open heart and open mind, waited on what God has for them. They waited on God to bring them that special person. Waited for God to reveal His plan for their life and were confident in that. What if?
This blogger has never dated, never been kissed, and doesn't plan to until God brings me the right person. God knows exactly what I want and what I actually need in my perfect soulmate. He knows that I desire to get married and the qualities that are attractive to me. God knows what I need, so in Him I wait and am confident in His timing.
In reality, waiting is hard though. It, like I have said before, requires patience and reliance on God. Which can be hard sometimes. Almost all the time. Waiting develops us into the person God intends us to be. It builds character and tests out perserverance. It tests our morals and our minds. It tests our hearts and our will power.
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